I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
