Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize