just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
