if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
