I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
