I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
