According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
