The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
