I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
