I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize