Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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