I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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