Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
