your parents love me but you hate me
I could make wine with my vomit
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
