This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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