This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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