In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
that may or may not have been my penis.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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