Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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