Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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