I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
