This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize