i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize