would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
