Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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