when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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