I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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