I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
