I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
