i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
