so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
