she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why did my mother make you get naked?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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