I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
