I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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