Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
birth control should be required to get into college
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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