you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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