Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
