tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize