this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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