I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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