Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
