I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
