I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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