So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
