how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
