I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
