We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
