Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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