The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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