i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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