I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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