The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
