I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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