My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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