those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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