4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
