Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
pray to the hookup gods
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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