so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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