ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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